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He Says

My dad asked the question with an earnestness in his voice normally reserved for matters of life and death.

“How will you feel if your wife is making more money than you?”

My response caught him off guard.

“That would be sweet!” I said, my eyes widening as the possibilities flooded in. “If she makes enough, I can be a kept man!”

Maybe it’s the changing realities of my generation at play. Maybe it’s my male peer group, which largely shares my beliefs, but this so-called issue never crossed my mind until my dad brought it up. If we are truly living in an era of equality between men and women, who cares who makes more money as long as both husband and wife are pulling their weight in work, marriage and family?

Money was never the driving force in my career choice. If it had been, I would have taken a job on Wall Street or gone to law school like virtually every one of my college friends. It was an easy path, one paved by the scores of on-campus recruiters eager to tap into the critical thinking skills of Wesleyan University graduates. I love writing. I love sports. So I went into the newspaper business with my eyes wide open to the meager paychecks I’d receive.

My wife got her Ph.D. in political science and took a high-paying job with a government agency. She made more money than me for 12 years, but our checks went to the same account, where they became indistinguishable from one another.

The only time my male ego took a beating was in 2009, when my newspaper, like so many others, experienced dramatic revenue declines and laid off most of its employees, including me. I can’t deny there is a social construct at work that leads men to tie their identity to their jobs. It’s too bad, because work is rarely as fulfilling as family or relationships, but this is a historical reality that will take generations beyond mine to fix.

When I got laid off, I felt a sense of worthlessness, a belief that I was less than a man. Logically, I knew this was ridiculous.Market forces beyond my control dictated my fate and I still had a great marriage and two great daughters. But fear for my family’s financial future led to a brief, downward psychological spiral. That ended when I launched an enjoyable and, as it turned out, far more lucrative career as a freelance writer. But my renewed confidence had nothing to do with my increased paycheck.

And there was no acknowledgement in our house when my pay surpassed my wife’s this year for the first time since she left graduate school.

Our marriage has thrived for 20 years, and the size of our respective paychecks has had nothing to do with it. Great communication and a simple focus on shared beliefs and shared goals did the trick — which reminds me, I need to talk to her about that latest purchase at the spa ... “Honey!”

She Says

Yes, a relationship can work when the woman makes more money, as long as the guy is supportive.

Some guys aren’t comfortable with the fact that women are making bank these days, and gender roles are reversing. Many men feel they should still be the head of the household and provide accordingly; but times have changed. For the first time ever, women are heading 18 companies on the Fortune 500 list, including IBM and HP. For us women, it doesn’t make a big difference who makes more money, just as long as the household and family are covered.

There’s a saying: “happy wife, happy life.”

Men, if you want to keep your girl happy, follow these simple golden rules: don’t sit around doing nothing; provide for your family, be it financially or emotionally; love what you do, pending rules 1 and 2.

I’m proud of the money I make, and I hope any partner I have will be as well. Now, that doesn’t mean I would be fine with my partner sitting around on his butt while I’m working mine off at the office (rule No. 1). If I’m working hard to bring home a paycheck and he is lying around all day playing video games and drinking beer ... sayonara, slacker!

No one, I mean no one, wants a partner who is a deadbeat. The same goes for men.No guy wants a girl who is going to sit at home, watch soap operas, and paint her nails while he’s busting his hump at work. People want a partner who is engaging and productive — someone who has a zest for life and wants to contribute to society and the family unit. Women want someone who isn’t a waste of space.

But contributing to the family doesn’t necessarily mean money. There are so many ways to chip in. Women want a partner who will be just that — a partner (rule No. 2). Do the laundry, cook meals, or clean while your honey is gone. Or, more importantly, take care of the kids. There are so many things that come along with the ”American Dream”: dishes, dry cleaning, car repair, etc.

If you can’t contribute as much money as your girl, take over these annoying tasks, and she will be forever grateful. I love when a man cooks for me, and if he cleans up after, he’s definitely getting lucky. At the end of the day, women want men who will put as much as they do into the household, but it doesn’t have to be just about money.

Now let’s say you have a job, but you make less money. This isn’t a problem as long as you love what you do and you follow rules 1 and 2.

Are you are a teacher who gets the short end of the payscale stick? Don’t worry. We love you for shaping the lives of tomorrow’s leaders.

Are you a barista at the local coffee shop who makes minimum wage, but you love your customers’ smiles when they take their first sip of your magical morning blend? It’s all good, because you are passionate about others. (But if you hate your job and complain all the time, we will break up with you right after you show us how to make a latte).

Struggling painters, musicians, and other creative types should also be forewarned: If you don’t adhere to rules 1 and 2, you will be a money-less and girlfriend-less artiste.

So guys, don’t stress if your woman makes more bacon than you do — be happy and helpful, and she will love you for taking care of her, too.